I thought the hardest part would be being away from Christian. I told
him I wanted a divorce. There's no point in him suffering for my sins
but he objected. He is a great guy. I wonder what the people at New
Hope Community Church must think of me now.
Christian isn't the hardest part though. I've survived without him
before. Uncle Tony is dying. He doesn't have much time left and I'm
trapped in here. I won't get to say goodbye before he dies. I love
that man like a father. I want more than anything for him to live and
since that isn't an option I want more than anything else to say
goodbye.
Christian comes to visit nearly every day. He acts positive but I
know it kills him. Lilia came by once. We're a world apart now
though. She doesn't know what to say to me anymore and I don't have
the energy to try.
Rider comes by every so often but he doesn't bring much sympathy. He
watched this happen before. Our whole family has been here. He gave
me a lifeline and I failed. I think he thinks I deserve this and
maybe he is right.
Steinbecker is in every day sometimes more than once. For what I've
been paying to keep her on retainer all these years she might as well
be working her ass off to get me out. I'd very much like to be out of
here.
I sleep as much as possible. I've never
had my father’s insomnia but here it's different. Here my ability
to sleep is magnified. I try to maintain a sleepy haze at all times.
I break away from my dreams to see my visitors and that's about it.
Even when I'm eating I'm dreaming. I dream of my past and all the
shining moments that have come before and I dream of the future: of
getting out and getting back to my life with Christian. Even just
casual weekend visits to my father's house will be cherished when I
get out, if they live until I get out, if I get out. God, I wish I
could see Uncle Tony once more.
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