If we never met again in our lives I should feel that somehow the whole adventure of exitence was justified by my having met you. (Lewis Mumford)

“Well, if you're ever in Topanga you should go to the park there. There are a ton of amazing hiking tracks and...” He smiled like he was sharing a joke with himself. “I forget that most people aren't interested in the kind of things I am.”

I didn't know what to say. I had never hiked before. This would have been the perfect moment to say something and get a wholesome hiking date out of him, probably even a picnic.

In a temporary loss of cognitive function I leaned back and said, “This is my grandfather, this is Christian.” Politely they shook hands and exchanged a How-you-doing? I saw the look: How does this crazy chick know my name? That's why I was so glad to burst out of the church and breath in the sultry fresh air, okay, fresh is a relative term.

It was hot. I pulled off my church cardigan and took my hair out of the tightass bun before I even got to the car. I held the door open for Senior and he climbed in. I looked back toward the church before I got in and my eyes gazed over Christian who, of course, just looked up as I looked at him, undoubtedly assuming the crazy chick was staring.

He waved and called out, “Have a good week, Honey.”

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, "I'm possible!" (Audrey Hepburn)

We made our way to the fourth row and sat in the pew. I was a little nervous throughout the service wondering what Senior must think. On the way out we shuffled along and one of Christian's band mates was shuffling beside us.

“If there's ever a fire in here we're toast,” he kidded lamely.

I laughed and shook my head in that oh-my sort of way.

“No? Not funny?” he tripped as he said it and Christian caught him.

“You okay, buddy?”

He nodded with reddening cheeks and trudged on. Christian and I got caught in eye contact and we smiled like we were sharing a joke.

“Hi,” I said and immediately regretted it. I didn't want Senior to think I was a stupid girl gushing over some guy who barely smiled at me.  

“Hey,” he reciprocated. “You were away last week.”

For real?

I nodded. “I went home to Philadelphia for a few days.”

“I didn't know you were from the east coast.”

We inched closer to the door with the herd.

“I grew up in Topanga,” he said bringing his hand to his chest, “so I think I'm required to hate east coast.”

I obliged him with an awkward exhale that indicated some sort of playful outrage.

He put his hand on my shoulder and defended, “I'm sure you're a nice girl.”

After a silent moment I clung to our moment of communication. “So you're basically a country boy then?”

He laughed. He had a great laugh. It was the kind of laugh that men have, you know, not the kind of laugh that accompanies jokes about flatulence. “Is that Topanga’s stereotype?”

I shrugged. “I'm not from around here.” I tried to be charming about it. “There just seems to be a lot of forest out there.” My face already hurt from smiling. My God, when was the last time my face hurt from smiling?

“You've never been there?”

The door was getting closer and it made me breathless to glance toward the target. I did not want to walk toward the light and why, oh why did Senior have to be here today?

“I actually live right around there but I've never actually been to Topanga.”

“Oh where do you live?”

I was embarrassed to tell him. He was a teacher who was probably cuckolded in some muggy bachelor apartment. “Ah, I have a little place in the Palisades.”

He raised an eyebrow. “There's no such thing.”

I shrugged.

We are punished by our sins, not for them. (Elbert Hubbard)

He did too. He put a suit jacket over his clothes and followed me out. I usually drove to church myself because it didn’t seem very humble to roll up in my chauffeured Lincoln. I usually took my beamer, it was a couple years old and pretty modest but now I was with Senior. I couldn’t stuff him in a BMW. So I called the driver and three and half minutes later we left.

We walked in. I moved apprehensively toward my usual spot in the fourth row. Mr. Winter stopped me with a handshake and asked about “my friend”. I had been going to New Hope for a while now but since I dropped out of bible study I really didn't get involved there. Christian still played in the church band. We smiled at one another from time to time but that was the extent of it. Other than a few of the older people like Mr. Winter I didn't really speak to anyone.

“This is my grandfather,” I introduced. “This is Mr. Winter.”

They shook hands.

“This is some granddaughter you've got here.”

Senior put his hand on my shoulder and nodded appreciatively.

Are you satisfied with the life you're living? (Bob Marley)

We set off on Saturday as planned.

I brought Senior to the Palisades. I told him we could stay in any of the houses but he chose there and I was glad because it was my personal favorite and the most like home. I took him around on a tour of my properties that evening. I think he was impressed. He was tired by the end though. Senior was getting old. He had long since exceeded his life expectancy; he did that the day he testified against his brothers. They weren’t real brothers but they were like brothers to him. Senior had lived a long life but I suppose for a grandfather he wasn’t all that old. He seemed like he would live forever. I felt more fragile than he did.

The next morning was Sunday morning. I didn’t know what Senior would think about me going to church but I went anyway, I was just quiet about it. I tiptoed down the stairs with my heels in my hand and I was about to creep out the door when his deep voice echoed behind me. I thought my heart stopped. He had that effect on people and I don’t even think he tried it anymore.

“Where are you going?”

“Um, I’m just going out for a bit.”

He nodded but I knew he was unsatisfied with my response.

“I’m going to church,” I said apprehensively.

“Really?”

He was intrigued.

I nodded.

“Is that a habit?”

I’m not an expert but I pretty sure you’re not supposed to refer to someone’s spirituality as a habit. But were there ever rules for Senior?

“Yes.”

He considered this for a moment and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. My fingers tickled the doorknob as I waited to know that it was okay to leave.

“I’m coming.”

Slap me sideways.

Life is a crazy ride and nothing is guaranteed. (Eminem)

Uncle Tony couldn’t separate from Scotch, my mother couldn’t separate from my father, why wasn’t there anyone who was unable to separate from me? I hated myself for thinking such a trite thought. I was no lovelorn teenage girl waiting to be asked to dance.

I sighed. If Joseph was still alive we could be jet setting around together. I never loved him like my parents loved each other and I don’t think he loved me that much either, but we could have been good company for one another. We could have loved forever. I sighed again. What was getting into me?

Senior spoke up and startled me by the booming sound of his voice.

“Could I go?”

He was asking me?

I stumbled over my response as I told him I’d be happy to have him come along.

Senior traveling with me; how strange!

It is so much darker when a light goes out than if it had never shone. (John Steinbeck)

I intended to head back to the west coast on Saturday but I didn’t want to leave anymore. My heart was in Philadelphia. I loved the sun but I loved my family. I thought about what it would be like if I could have that last coffee with Joseph again. I wouldn’t sit there and ignore him like some mute stranger. I would take him into my arms and hold him so tight. I’d cling to him until it hurt. I’d tell him I loved him and I always would. I would tell him how I felt and I would say goodbye. How I ruined our goodbye…

I thought about William. He had used me and I had used him but there is something about utility that makes a loss no less severe. You’re more dependent on the people of utility in your life. If I could sit in my car and have William chauffeur me around town, my God, I’d give almost anything.

I hate death. It makes me feel so helpless. The loss of control is paralyzing. I can’t control death but I realized I could work around it. I knew Uncle Tony’s days were numbered. He still looked well but he was HIV positive, AIDS was imminent and thus so was death. So I would take full advantage of my time with him.

“Uncle Tony,” I said after we ate on Friday night, “do you want to go for a ride with me?”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “We can take my car.”

“No, I mean a real ride,” I said excitedly. “In my plane. Come back to the west coast with me.”

“Oh, Honey, I’d like to but I just can’t. I don’t want to leave Scotch.”

I wanted time with him before he died; he wanted time with her before she died. It was a vicious cycle of sorts.

“We’ll come with you,” offered my mother.

“Yeah,” my father nodded. “It would be fun to be chauffeured around the sky by our daughter. I could work on my tan.”

“It’s a two-seater,” I said regrettably. “But one of you could come!”

They looked to each other like I had suggested they hack off an arm. There was physical pain in their eyes.

“Well,” started my mother but I interjected. “Don’t worry about it.”

How many loved your moments of glad grace, And loved your beauty with love false or true, But one loved the pilgrim soul in you... (W.B. Yeats)

If it wasn’t the smell it was the scene that took my breath away.

The nurse scurried out when we walked in and Uncle Tony’s hand trembled in mine. Uncle Tony’s hand trembled, imagine.

The IVs and beeping machines that surrounded the hospital bed couldn’t distract me from the eighty pound body lying silent and still.

“There’s nothing they can do for her,” Uncle Tony said.

I sniffed, regrettably because it carried the terrible hospital smell deep into my nose. I could even taste it.

“The best we can do is to make her comfortable.”

She didn’t move when he smoothed his hand over her dull blonde hair. It looked white in this light. She looked dead in this light.

“I did this to her,” he whispered.

“No,” I shook my head.

“It was Vincent. He gave it to me and I gave it to her. I killed her.”

“Uncle Tony, you didn’t kill her. You didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that it did.”

“You have to stop beating yourself up.”

Perhaps the preacher needed to start speaking the sermons to the mirror.

Uncle Tony hugged me. He had never hugged me like that before. It was desperate. Uncle Tony had never been desperate before. He cried into my hair, “That’s going to be me.”

What could I say to that? I didn’t know a lot about HIV or AIDS but I did know that he was right. Another person I loved would die.

Death was bombarding me. It was everywhere. I suppose when you live like we all did it was bound to happen. We had a high mortality rate. We were like gladiators, life expectancy wise. You can’t get attached to a gladiator. You know they could die at any given day at the office and that was what it was like for us.

I felt like I had made progress when I started to feel again but maybe I needed to attain a functional form of my prior catatonic state if I was going to survive. It was really hard to love people because I kept losing them.  

After climbing a great hill, one only finds there are many more hills to climb. (Nelson Mandela)

My family was outside cheering as I landed right on the road bisecting the meadow. I was beaming when I stepped off the plane like a celebrity. My mother snapped pictures and everyone clapped and cheered with big smiles. I wished I could have brought Rider with me. I would have loved to have us all together again.

“I wish I had a plot of land like this,” I marveled when the excitement of my arrival and new plane had passed. “It would be so convenient to be able to land on my own property.”

“That’s what you get for having all those city houses, city girl,” said Uncle Tony.

“You live in Philadelphia; you’re hardly a country boy.”

I looked at the house with nostalgia. “I wish I could take this place back with me.”

“You’re going to need a bigger plane,” my father told me. He smiled at me just like my other Tommy did and a tinge of guilt turned over in my heart. Tommy was still in jail suffering for my folly and I was jet setting and enjoying the company of my family. What must his family think of him now? He was going to be a chemist and now he was a criminal, college dropout. I couldn’t help but feel responsible.

 

When we filed into the house the smell took my breath away.

“What is that?” I cringed.

Everyone was as somber as if I had just spit on the Holy Grail.

Uncle Tony took my hand silently. He walked me upstairs to a bedroom on the third floor. It had a beautiful view. The high ceiling and original dark oak floors matched the rest of the house but it was irrevocably changed by the contents.

Dream your dreams into my ear. Baby, just get me out of here. (Rascal Flatts, Rocket Girl)

I was living a life of solitude.

I bought a plane of my own. It was a big day. It was like my graduation. Rider came to the lot the day I bought it because even though I offered to pay cash they wanted a signature from my guardian. Imagine, I would be twenty-one at Christmas, I owned five mansions, I had run an apartment building, yet I couldn’t buy a plane without Rider. He had my legal guardian since my parents had gone to jail. They were out now, but he was still my guardian legally, and I guess more than just legally. I loved Rider. When you start losing people it puts things into perspective. I was beginning to realize how much love I had to give.

I smashed a bottle of Cristal on the plane and we cheered. Rider came along for my maiden voyage. We went to San Franciso. It was a nice little day trip but before I was over the rush of rocketing toward the ground as we arrived home I was ready to go again.

Rider returned to work and I returned to the sky. I spent the next two weeks flying everywhere. I went to Twin Falls, Idaho – Saskatoon, Saskatchewan – Grand Island, Nebraska (which is actually not an island) – Albany, Georgia – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  

You use your money to buy privacy because most of your life you aren't allowed to be normal. (Johnny Depp)

For the first time in my life I was lost. (How ironic, I know, as I was just “found”). I still knew what I wanted but I felt lost amid the rubble of my past life.

I didn't want to be a drug dealer or a drug addict. I had my Private Pilot License but I more from my dream to fly. I would be an aviator, if I wasn't already. The next day I started toward my Airline Transport Pilot Certificate, which was the highest certification possible.

I was never one of those girls, those lost misguided girls looking for themselves. Before I was legal drinking age I had lived more than most middle-aged adults. I always knew what I wanted. I would have moments of confusion where I felt lost but I would figure it out. I think it was because I was alone. Some people think they have to go to Europe and hike mountains to be alone and figure out who they are but that is silly to me. I feel overwhelmed and I take a deep breath. I sit in an empty house or under the hot sun and I think. You just need to focus and you can figure it all out, that's been my experience at least.

So that was my life. I was studying, flying, going to church on Sundays; I had a regular life. I was still getting high nearly every day but it didn't hurt anyone.

Losing me will hurt. It will be the kind of pain that won't feel real at first, and when it does, it will take her breath away. (Gayle Forman)

I pulled myself together enough to call Johnson Cloud and I invited him over to the club. I sold him my shares of Super Hundred along with full ownership of Honey, right there on the spot. He gave me a fair enough deal. Isabelle Deff, my financial advisor, didn't think so when she heard what I had done but she was just upset that I left her out of it.

I left Honey for the last time and I went to New Hope. There was a walk-in policy. The sanctuary was open all the time for people who needed God. I don't think God is any more in any church than he is in any bar. I believe that stuff in the Bible about Him being everywhere, or at least I started to later. That day I walked into the empty sanctuary and I collapsed again at the foot of the cross. I sobbed over the altar. I asked God for his help. That was the nice way of saying it. What I really did was beg Him to stop destroying my life. I was never one to blame someone else for my screw-ups. When I realized that was what I was doing, I stopped. I reassessed what I needed from God.

“I know you're there, God. I know you've seen all the shit, sorry, I mean, all the stuff I've done. I've done a lot of terrible things, you know that more than anyone and I want to stop. Make me good. I want to be better. I want to stop hurting people and I want to stop the hurting inside of me. Help me, Lord.”

I fell back from the altar. I sat there beside it. I must have been there a while. My soul was ravaged but renewed. If my life was a movie, Christian would have walked in and sat beside me. He would have held me fragilely but with compassion. It would have begun a new chapter. He would have helped me, mentored me, loved me and it would have all started there.

But life isn't like movies. Sometimes it's just you. Back then when I felt like I needed someone most, it was just me. I walked out of the empty church and I went back to the Palisades. 

The needle tears a hole. The old familiar sting. (Johnny Cash)

Joseph came to see me twice. The first time my housekeeper sent him away. The second time he came in and sat at my sunny dining room table with me. Rita, my housekeeper in the Palisades, brought us coffee and placed it in front of us. Joseph was handsome. I could see that but I couldn't feel it anymore. He left.

He was at Honey on a Saturday night. He had been dancing just like we always did together. I loved dancing with him. He was the one who ignited my love for dancing. We would dance for hours. My feet would ache. I smiled so much, so widely, even my cheeks ached. We had so much fun. I loved him with all my heart, I’ll admit that now. He was the first man I loved and maybe losing him would have sent me over the edge if I wasn't already gone.

Steinbecker showed up one sunny day. I was sitting by the pool, drinking. She sat in the chair beside me. We both looked straight ahead.

“I don't want to be the bearer of bad news again but no one else would tell you. Honey, you've got everyone worried.”

I robotically extended my arm, picked up my glass, tipped it back and returned it to the table.

“It's Joseph. Something has happened at Honey on Saturday night. He's been, well, troubled lately. You know he was never one to do a lot of drugs anymore. But on Saturday he did some coke and it was, it was a little purer than he thought. You know how he’s lost his tolerance for that stuff.” She sighed. “It was a culmination of things, I guess.”

I think she was waiting for me to ask a question and push for more information. I think she was waiting for me to cry or to break from my trance. I couldn't react, I just couldn't. I didn't even want to know any more. If I didn't know, did it really happen?

“He overdosed. It was accident. He didn't mean to do it. He died on Saturday night at Honey. They took him to the hospital but he was DOA.”

Took the midnight train going anywhere. (Journey)

Joseph was gone. It was like he had never been there at all. I had nothing to remember him by. Like I said, if I hadn't been over the edge this would have put me there but since I was already gone, this ended up being what brought me back.

After Steinbecker was gone, I got up and called a driver. His body had already left the country and I could feel it. I could feel again. I went to Honey. There was still police tape lingering around but I owned the place and there weren't any cops creeping around with magnifying glasses so it seemed okay to enter. I stood on the dance floor where I had danced with Joseph so many times before. I stood there. The bar was empty. I could feel him. I turned on Journey; he loved them, not as much for dancing as just something he liked to listen to while driving or hanging out around the apartment. I thought of him belting out Just a small town girl living in a lonely world with his Saudi accent as we drove down the 405. I almost laughed. Joseph was alive for a moment longer.

I imagined him with me there in that moment on that empty dance floor. It was vivid.

I smiled because he was with me.

Don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling...

I danced. After being catatonic for weeks, I danced. I danced with Joseph. But as they always do, the song ended. Joseph was gone and I let myself feel the devastating loss. I collapsed into a heap on the dance floor and I sobbed. It was easier to be catatonic but it was a relief to be alive again even if Joseph and William weren't anymore. I could survive without them but, my God, it hurt, my God, my God. 

I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real. (Johnny Cash)

I gave Nicky the money to fly to the Lake District for William's funeral. I wanted to go but I knew he would rather die himself than have me there.

I stopped crying. I couldn't cry anymore. I couldn't even think anymore, not about the people who used to be in my life anyway. I hurt to think.

It hurt to think of all the people that had died and even worse to think about the people who were left behind: Nicky, Tommy, the families of the six seven deceased souls. There was so much pain and I felt at fault, so I disconnected myself from it.

I stayed at my home in the Palisades, it was my favorite. I couldn't even read anymore. I would just sleep, get high, sit silently and watch the ocean. I would think about drowning sometimes. It might be a peaceful way to die. The Pacific Ocean is beautiful. From the first time I started to think about death I knew I would like to die at the hand of beauty.

I met with Steinbecker sometimes. She was taking care of me. I paid for Tommy's attorney. That seemed safe. It was a friend of Steinbecker, which was less of a conflict of interest than having her represent him but it allowed us to keep on top of what was going on. I paid for it because I wanted Tommy to think I was taking care of him. I didn't go see him. I didn't see anybody anymore. Steinbecker became my new Miami, she took care of things. She sent Tommy care packages from me at least once a week. She went to see him and told him how upset I was. Hiring Steinbecker was a good decision amid the sea of bad decisions that had got me there. 

Eventually, everything goes away. (Elizabeth Gilbert)

As I lay in my childhood bed that night I felt an odd glimpse of happiness, before the phone rang. It was Steinbecker with news for me. William died in the hospital. I went catatonic.

Everyone from the apartment was displaced. The building was condemned. William was dead. William was dead.

I ran away in floods of shame. Never tell how close I came. (Mumford & Sons, Home)

Returning to my father's house was like coming home. Driving up to the grounds in a three car convoy made me feel like a little girl again. When we broke through the forest and the meadow opened up before us. The mansion sat there waiting for me. I was home.

“So why were you flying in from Beulah, North Dakota?” asked my father as they started dinner.

“Funeral,” I said. “My assistant was one of the people who died in the shooting.”

“I'm sorry,” said my mother.

“It would have been a lovely spot otherwise. I wonder what it would be like to live a farm. It seems like it would be a nice little life.”

“That would be nice,” my mother said sympathetically. Everything was drenched with sympathy.

But when no one spoke it didn't made anything easier.

“How are you?” Senior asked. He hadn't asked me that since I killed the hippie.

I sighed, “It's been a rough ride the last little while.”

Uncle Tony sat across from me and pulled some heroin out of the canister on the table. He prepared a needle and asked if I wanted one. I hesitated.

“I don't really do that anymore.”

Everyone froze.

“You don't do what anymore?”

“Heroin. Rider made me detox before I moved out. I do a little meth now but that's it.” Okay, so I did more than a little, but I wanted to have some progress to show.

“Your teeth look pretty good for a meth head,” said Uncle Tony.

I gave him a dirty look but a smile broke through. I loved my family.

It's too cold outside for angels to fly. (Ed Sheeran)

After the funeral, I got a flight to Philly. This all would have been much easier if I was flying myself around back then. I wasn't finished with my supervised flying hours yet. There were a few things money couldn't buy or at least a few things I respected enough to follow the rules.

I called my mother from the airport in Beulah. The whole family was waiting for me in the airport in Philadelphia: my mother, my father, Uncle Tony, Senior, and what was left of Scotch. The bubbly little blond girl in flamboyant clothes was now a shrunken stick person.

My mother held me and told me they had been watching it all on the news. They all looked at me with pity. I wished now that I had told them about my successes, it would have balanced out my failures.

I realize there's something incredibly honest about trees in winter, they're experts at letting go. (Jeff McDaniel)

I sat down with them in the church where her viewing was taking place.

“You knew her best at the end,” her mother said. “Tell us what she was like?”

I used to think I was strong but I couldn't croak a word out to those nice people. I put my head in my hands and let the water drain my heart. Tears were running down my arms. They held me, me, their daughter's murderer. The three of us cried. I guess I was the closest thing they had to her because I could give them her ending and they needed closure more than anything.

“Would you say a couple words at the ceremony?” her father asked as I sat across from him, my face drenched with tears and snot, that's right, snot, it wasn't a pretty scene.

I considered it my duty to Miami, whose actual name was Eunice. I do not blame her in the least for changing it.

I took the drugs I needed to get me up there in a somewhat coherent state. I didn't want to say any of the stupid stuff: she was great girl, she loved life, yada yada yada.

“She was stubborn,” I started and everyone laughed. “She told me what she thought even when she knew it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She was the best person on my team.” I called it team rather than entourage, I thought that was a nice touch. “I trusted her. I loved her. I don't know what I'll do without her.” All that was true. I didn't know that I loved her until she died, but I did, I definitely did love her. It hurt that she was gone and it killed me to know that I was responsible.

I didn't know what I would do now, not just without Miami, losing her alone would have been manageable, but losing everything had me all twisted up. 

I looked away across the sea where mansions are prepared for me. (Edgar Page Stites)

I think it made it worse that I got off scotch free when it was all my fault.

I went to see William first. I couldn't get in because I wasn't family. I wanted to tell him I loved him. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to give him all my money. I wanted to hold him, promise him everything would be okay.

Nicky was in the waiting room. When I spotted him I started running toward him. He stood up and shouted, “No, get away from me! Get out of here!”

I left. I got on a plane and flew to Beulah, North Dakota. I had to go to Miami's funeral. When I showed up I was a mess. I had come alone and I had cried the whole way. When her parents saw me I guess they knew by the state I was in that I was close to her. They approached me.

“You were a friend of hers in California?” her mother asked.

I nodded and cried.

Her mother hugged me and cried.

“What's your name honey?”

“It's Honey,” I said. I might have smiled at the irony under different circumstances.

“You're Honey?” her father asked. He shook my hand and cried. “You saved her life.”

I killed her.

“You gave her a job when she needed it most.”

The job that killed her and when she needed me most I was vacationing with my boyfriend. She took my place while I was gone. She took my bullet. 

If you're betrayed, release disappointment at once. (Toba Beta)

“Am I going to jail?”

“It helps that you were overseas. It helps that you have several other properties.”

“Why do the properties help?”

“You can claim you never spent any time here. You never knew. I've transferred Miami's title to property manger on all the documents they'll ask for, Martin was on payroll too. We're going to pawn it off on them. I've already spoke with Tommy. He's taking the fall for you. He's saying he was the mastermind. He's conglomerating the assistance of Miami and Martin. Honey, there's a good chance that you might walk away from this.”

I sobbed.

“It's great that you've been attending church. That will go a long way with the jurors if this takes you to court.”

Courtney Steinbecker had regained her psychopathic composure and was back to being my emotionless lawyer. I wasn't ready for that yet. People had died and it was my fault. Lives were ruined and it was my fault. It wasn't like the hippie I had killed at fourteen, these were good people with families and hopes and dreams and promise. I had taken all that.

“I need Rider,” I whispered.

“Okay,” she nodded. “There's a search warrant issued for your other properties. I'm going to sign it. We can't clean house first but I'll get a disposal phone and have the housekeepers put the guns in their uniforms or cars or what-have-you, somewhere unsearchable. Aside from that, they're clean right?”

I nodded silently and whispered Rider's name again.

She got out and a moment later he took her place.

“You did it this time,” he accused. “You really screwed up, Honey. Do you have any idea the...”

I softly sobbed in my C-formation, hunched over myself.

“Honey,” he sighed.

I collapsed onto his lap and curled into the fetal position. He patted my shoulder, rubbed my back, and let me sob until I fell asleep. 

People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become. (James Baldwin)

She started to cry. When a stick-in-the-butt lawyer in a black suit buttoned up so tightly it looks like her circulation is cut off starts to cry, you know it's bad.

“They started shooting.”

My pale face was beyond white. I forgot to breath.

“How did they get past security?”

She bit her lip.

“Oh God,” I cried out. Tears fell as I gasped for breath. I knew someone I loved had died. I could tell. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to know who, not yet. I wanted to have one last moment where everyone was breathing.

“Who?” I creaked.

“There were six fatalities so far.”

“So far?”

“William is still alive, but it's touch and go.”

“William,” I whispered.

“Is Nicky–” I couldn't even finish the question.

“Nicky made it.”

I was so relieved but that meant someone else was gone.

“Miami got caught in the crossfire.”

“No,” I exhaled. She had been a stripper and acted in some questionable films before she started working for me. I taught her to respect herself. She turned her whole life around. Sure she was the assistant to a druglord but her resume said she was the executive assistant of a property tycoon. She was getting smarter everyday and, my God, wasn't she sweet. She had so much promise and it was gone now. It had bleed out of her beside the pool.

“Martin too.”

He was like a smarter, more dependable version of Tommy. He could have run this business when I retired. He was dead.

“There were two college freshmen, they had graduated with you.”

“I don't want to hear anymore.”

“It's a miracle only six were killed. They could have killed everyone. They came in with machine guns and opened fire. They raided the drugs and trashed the equipment. If the operation wasn't already busted wide open from a legal perspective, it still wouldn't be functional now. Nearly everything is ruined.”