The end is where we start from. (T.S.Eliot)

Epilogue

Hope spent one hundred days and nights in jail before her lawyer, Courtney Steinbecker, was able to get her removed from California State Correctional Facility permanently. Hope was able to get back to Philadelphia before her Uncle Tony passed on. She spent several weeks at her father's house in Philadelphia in the time leading up to her uncle's passing.

In his final days, Tommy played Let It Be for his brother on a record player in his room. He played the song time and time again. Tommy meant well but Tony once told him that he couldn't wait to get to hell so he didn't have to listen to mother Mary whispering words of wisdom anymore. Tommy continued to play the song.

Hope kissed her uncle’s pale forehead as he lay dead on the bed where Scotch had died. The cool sweat on his still warm forehead transferred to her lips.

“Christian arrived later that night and I know this is strange but I was afraid to kiss him because I wanted to keep that last piece of Uncle Tony with me. I didn’t want to pass him on to Christian. I wanted to hoard that last glimpse of Uncle Tony for myself. I loved that man so much.”

At the funeral Hope delivered the eulogy. There were eight people in attendance: Senior, Tommy, Penny, Rider, Christian, Hope, a pastor and a mortician.

There was a time when I thought it would be okay if I could just see him one more time. One more time is never enough. I'm not going to make a big production of this. It's not what he would have wanted. I just have a couple things I want to say.

Uncle Tony was a great man. He was a great uncle, brother, son, and we all loved him. We will all miss him. I wish he could have lived forever but that's what makes life so precious. We all just get a little plot of time here on earth so we must make the most of it. Love big and live hard. Uncle Tony did that. No one lived as hard as he did and he loved too. He loved Scotch and when he lost her he lost a piece of himself. I wasn't here for her funeral and I wasn't around to support him then, now I wish I had. I wish a lot of things today as we lay him to rest.

I understand that he can't live forever but I wish he could have lived long enough to meet my baby. I didn't even tell him I was pregnant because I didn't want him to think about what he would miss in death. My baby will miss out because he or she will live without a Great-Uncle Tony. I wish it didn’t have to be that way.

Our family lives and dies but this is not the end.

Tony was buried beside Scotch in the family cemetery. Tony's grave, alongside Rick's grave, was visible from Senior's bedroom window. Their ghosts were everywhere.

Hope gave birth to a baby boy the following spring. They named him Jude.

Gloria and Tommy (ex-UCLA Tommy) have now been dating for the past five years.

Lilia started dating the bassist from the New Hope Community Church band. She still works in an office and drives a Honda Civic.

Hope and Christian currently spend their summers in Philadelphia with their four-year old son, Jude, and their one year-old daughter, Grace. The family spends the rest of their time in their house in the Palisades. Hope splits her time between the Palisades and New Hope Ranch.

New Hope Ranch, purchased as a birthday gift and summer getaway, has been transformed into a rehabilitation facility for drug addicts. Hope works at the ranch on a casual basis, alongside a highly trained and qualified staff.

“I feel like I’m finally doing something good with my life,” said Hope, the founder of the Ranch. “I’ve been on the other side and I know how they feel and I know they can be better. I’ve came to peace with my past and they will too.”

She is clean¹. No one ever expected her to be clean and even her father, still addicted, is proud of her for cleaning up her act. She is reformed. She is a heroine.

“I have an amazing husband and two precious children. We have a great life.”

“Hope was never wholly good nor was she wholly bad,” said Christian. “No one is. Hope may have embraced a noxious path but it’s brought her here and she’s doing some really great things.”

“Everywhere she flew on the wings of life, she was propelled their by her ambition,” said feminist theorist and author, Audrey Hart.

She holds a notorious place in history. She leads a normal life.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The names, dates, and places have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

1 The only thing not accounted for are the drugs confiscated from the luggage of new in-patients.

You can either be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure. It all depends on how you view your life. (Maria Eleven Minutes)

I keep having interviews and everyone wants to paint me as a victim but I was never the victim. If I was a man they would portray me as a villain or a tyrant. As a man I would be one face in a sea of faces of notorious bad guys polluting the world, but I'm a woman so I'm a victim.

I'm a product of my father, uncles, and all the other bad men that entered my life and took advantage of me. It's silly really but that's how they see it. There are petitions and protestors lobbying to get me out. Steinbecker even hired me a public relations person. It's all a joke though. I'm no victim. I never was and I never will be.

There are plenty of victims laying on the side of the path that I've beat for myself. Maybe the greatest casualty was me because here I am: imprisoned.

So if I had the opportunity to do it all again, would I? The truth is I don't know. There are places I remember all my life. Though some have changed, some forever, not for better. Some have gone and some remain. All these places have their moments with lovers and friends I still can recall. Some are dead and some are living. In my life I've loved them all. But of all these friends and lovers there is no one compares with you. And these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new. Though I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before I know I'll often stop and think about them. In my life, I love you more.

That's the story of my life. That's the difference between wrong and right. (Velvet Underground)

So that's my story. Here I am in jail. I'm a prisoner. I've done the bad and now I'm taking the fall. It has been the longest six weeks of my life and though Steinbecker keeps promising me she will get me out I don't know if I believe her. I believe in God and I believe in atonement and I guess that's what I'm doing.

I thought the hardest part would be being away from Christian. I told him I wanted a divorce. There's no point in him suffering for my sins but he objected. He is a great guy. I wonder what the people at New Hope Community Church must think of me now.

Christian isn't the hardest part though. I've survived without him before. Uncle Tony is dying. He doesn't have much time left and I'm trapped in here. I won't get to say goodbye before he dies. I love that man like a father. I want more than anything for him to live and since that isn't an option I want more than anything else to say goodbye.

Christian comes to visit nearly every day. He acts positive but I know it kills him. Lilia came by once. We're a world apart now though. She doesn't know what to say to me anymore and I don't have the energy to try.

Rider comes by every so often but he doesn't bring much sympathy. He watched this happen before. Our whole family has been here. He gave me a lifeline and I failed. I think he thinks I deserve this and maybe he is right.

Steinbecker is in every day sometimes more than once. For what I've been paying to keep her on retainer all these years she might as well be working her ass off to get me out. I'd very much like to be out of here.

I sleep as much as possible. I've never had my father’s insomnia but here it's different. Here my ability to sleep is magnified. I try to maintain a sleepy haze at all times. I break away from my dreams to see my visitors and that's about it. Even when I'm eating I'm dreaming. I dream of my past and all the shining moments that have come before and I dream of the future: of getting out and getting back to my life with Christian. Even just casual weekend visits to my father's house will be cherished when I get out, if they live until I get out, if I get out. God, I wish I could see Uncle Tony once more.

Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. (Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

My first thought was that Christian had gone dirty while I was gone but, of course, it was me. The look of disappointment in his eyes robbed my heart. They took me away from my new beginning and tacked another dirty chapter onto my old life.

I wasn't allowed to post bail. I was stuck there. I was a prisoner. Everything was dirty and cold and hard. Suddenly all the shit things I had done in my life were manifested into one location and I was made a prisoner of it. I was haunted by my past. Everywhere I went I saw the faces of Nicky, Miami, Martin, Joseph, the hippie, and all the unnamed faces with meth mouths.

Bigger women took my food and pushed me around. Suddenly mediocre didn't seem so bad. Once you get a glimpse of the other side of mediocre you would give anything to drive around a Honda Civic and pay a mortgage.

Tommy had set me up. He had been given a deal. He could get out early if handed me over. I was the kingpin of our operation. Tommy was just the fall guy. I still had the connections, means, and ambition to do it again: to do it bigger, to do it better. I was the dangerous one. Tommy was just a sidekick. I'm not sure when they figured that out. I wonder if anyone was impressed that I was the first female drug lord. No other woman had ever successfully run such a large drug operation. Hell, I must have been ruining a hundred lives a day. The repercussions of the drug empire were bad, I'll admit that, but the money that we drew in was outlandish. It didn't even make sense to me that one person could have so much money. Now I’m in jail. I guess that’s justice. I guess the system works.  

A friend is someone who understands why you like your strawberry sodas without any strawberries in them. (Charlie Brown)

The next day Gloria walked through the lobby with me as the staff lined the room and clapped and cheered at my dismissal. I smiled so widely my face hurt. I held Gloria's hand tightly and wished I could take her home with me.

She went as far as the open door and caught the smell of freedom on the other side. At the top of the stairs, I kissed Gloria on the cheek and ran down to embrace Christian leaning against his Jeep Renegade. I laughed as he spun me around.

“Of all the cars,” I laughed, “this is the one you take.”

“There's nothing wrong with this old jalopy.”

We drove all the way to the Palisades before the novelty of clean fresh freedom went sour. Police cars surrounded the house and someone yelled: “Freeze!”  

If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart, I'll always be with you. (Christopher Robin)

The night before I got released I spent some time down on the beach alone. I spoke with God. I thanked Him for his help and support and warned Him that I would need a lot more of it real soon. Little did I know that turned out to be a muted request.

Gloria came by.

“Tommy called for you.”

“My father?”

“No, the other one.”

“What did he want?”

“He didn't say but it sounded like something was wrong.”

I dismissed it. “That's not my problem anymore, that's not my life anymore.”

“I'm proud of you,” Gloria said. I was surprised. “I'm actually going to put an effort into this and I'm going to get out.”

“That's great.”

“I figure if you can do it anyone can.”

“Gee thanks.”

“So Tommy is like your old friend? What does that mean? Was he like your boyfriend?”

I laughed then flatly added, “No.”

“He seems nice.”

I laughed again. Then I realized what she was getting at and I laughed even more. “You're interested in Tommy?”

“Only if you've never been with him. I don't want to do everything you do.”

I hugged Gloria. I did that sort of thing now: affection, love, not a problem.

It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. (Audrey Hepburn)

Selfless acts were one thing but a selfless joy, now that was groundbreaking. When Gloria's mother showed up on Sunday I was filled with a weird sensation. I was happy for her. I got no personal gratification but it was still such a great feeling. I sat there alone in the tea garden but I didn't feel alone: I felt happy. I was more aware of all the people around me now. I was starting to like people. It was strange.

Christian returned that Sunday too. I suppose I should have been apologetic or modest after our marital turbulence, but I was so excited about Gloria's happiness.

I forgot all the things that had happened and I gushed, “Look at them!” I pointed to Gloria. “Look how happy Gloria is!” I was nearly in tears I was so excited. “I did that. It wasn't all me of course, but I helped it along.” I beamed at Gloria beaming at her mother and I didn't see it then but Christian was beaming at me. It was a circle of goodness. It was a positive feedback loop. I liked the good feeling of being good.

I decided then that I did deserve Christian, that I was a Christian, and that I would be good.

I could see people now. Drugs ruined lives. I didn’t want to be involved in that negative force tearing people down. I didn’t want to be cuckolded in my own little corner of the world. I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to embrace people, embrace life, embrace God and embrace goodness.

I liked the strange feeling of being good and clean. I wished it on others. If only my family could be good and clean. If only they knew what it felt like. It was better than being bad.

Uncle Tony was getting pretty sick and so my family didn't come to visit while I was locked away. I had planned a trip to visit them the week after I got out. I would buy my new plane first, no expense to be spared on account of my fourteen million dollar payday (not bad for a three and a half minute phone call).