Losing me will hurt. It will be the kind of pain that won't feel real at first, and when it does, it will take her breath away. (Gayle Forman)

I pulled myself together enough to call Johnson Cloud and I invited him over to the club. I sold him my shares of Super Hundred along with full ownership of Honey, right there on the spot. He gave me a fair enough deal. Isabelle Deff, my financial advisor, didn't think so when she heard what I had done but she was just upset that I left her out of it.

I left Honey for the last time and I went to New Hope. There was a walk-in policy. The sanctuary was open all the time for people who needed God. I don't think God is any more in any church than he is in any bar. I believe that stuff in the Bible about Him being everywhere, or at least I started to later. That day I walked into the empty sanctuary and I collapsed again at the foot of the cross. I sobbed over the altar. I asked God for his help. That was the nice way of saying it. What I really did was beg Him to stop destroying my life. I was never one to blame someone else for my screw-ups. When I realized that was what I was doing, I stopped. I reassessed what I needed from God.

“I know you're there, God. I know you've seen all the shit, sorry, I mean, all the stuff I've done. I've done a lot of terrible things, you know that more than anyone and I want to stop. Make me good. I want to be better. I want to stop hurting people and I want to stop the hurting inside of me. Help me, Lord.”

I fell back from the altar. I sat there beside it. I must have been there a while. My soul was ravaged but renewed. If my life was a movie, Christian would have walked in and sat beside me. He would have held me fragilely but with compassion. It would have begun a new chapter. He would have helped me, mentored me, loved me and it would have all started there.

But life isn't like movies. Sometimes it's just you. Back then when I felt like I needed someone most, it was just me. I walked out of the empty church and I went back to the Palisades.