It is so much darker when a light goes out than if it had never shone. (John Steinbeck)

I intended to head back to the west coast on Saturday but I didn’t want to leave anymore. My heart was in Philadelphia. I loved the sun but I loved my family. I thought about what it would be like if I could have that last coffee with Joseph again. I wouldn’t sit there and ignore him like some mute stranger. I would take him into my arms and hold him so tight. I’d cling to him until it hurt. I’d tell him I loved him and I always would. I would tell him how I felt and I would say goodbye. How I ruined our goodbye…

I thought about William. He had used me and I had used him but there is something about utility that makes a loss no less severe. You’re more dependent on the people of utility in your life. If I could sit in my car and have William chauffeur me around town, my God, I’d give almost anything.

I hate death. It makes me feel so helpless. The loss of control is paralyzing. I can’t control death but I realized I could work around it. I knew Uncle Tony’s days were numbered. He still looked well but he was HIV positive, AIDS was imminent and thus so was death. So I would take full advantage of my time with him.

“Uncle Tony,” I said after we ate on Friday night, “do you want to go for a ride with me?”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “We can take my car.”

“No, I mean a real ride,” I said excitedly. “In my plane. Come back to the west coast with me.”

“Oh, Honey, I’d like to but I just can’t. I don’t want to leave Scotch.”

I wanted time with him before he died; he wanted time with her before she died. It was a vicious cycle of sorts.

“We’ll come with you,” offered my mother.

“Yeah,” my father nodded. “It would be fun to be chauffeured around the sky by our daughter. I could work on my tan.”

“It’s a two-seater,” I said regrettably. “But one of you could come!”

They looked to each other like I had suggested they hack off an arm. There was physical pain in their eyes.

“Well,” started my mother but I interjected. “Don’t worry about it.”