It's all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and near escapes. (Reality Bites)

I couldn’t breathe for a second. I couldn’t even feel it right away. There was a moment of numbness as I felt my heart splitting in two. I know that sounds overdramatic and I’m smart enough to know that isn’t physically possible but that was how it felt. There was a distinct ripping sensation as words, how stupid is that, battered my heart. What was happening to me? I never thought I’d let anyone close enough to hurt me like that. I never thought a man could hurt me. Maybe he could overpower me like that stoned hippie when I was fourteen but he couldn’t hurt my heart. When it came to the mental aspect of life I excelled. I didn’t think I could ever feel my heart break. But I didn’t think I would ever fall in love either, not really, not like this.

I turned slowly but then I ran. I grabbed too much heroin on my way out and I ran. Rain was beginning to peck down and the swollen sky was dark and ominous so I ran into the barn instead of heading far, far away from the ranch, as I had originally intended. I climbed up into the loft and lay back on a pile of hay. I was too hurt to cry. I just lay back and thought “What now?” I systematically sniffed away my ample supply of heroin. It was warm and quiet in the barn. The dull light from the window beside me was peaceful. I fell asleep – well it was more a stupor than a sleep I guess.

“Hope,” Christian called. “Hope, are you in here?” That roused me and I stretched my neck to see him. He looked concerned but I could still see a flicker of anger in his walk. I suppose running off and hiding away didn’t help. I could be such a child.

He turned to leave and I wanted to stop him and tell him I was okay but I wanted him to suffer. I wanted him to think he had driven me off into the woods to be eaten alive by a pack of coyotes. Before he disappeared from the barn it hit me: he’s my husband.

And then he was gone.