One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me. And I discovered that my castles stand on pillars of salt and pillars of sand. (Coldplay)

I knew my driver was watching and I knew it was impractical in a dress but I climbed over the gate and leaped into the courtyard. The fallen walls seemed to cave in around me as I spun slowly taking it all in. It was destroyed. The plants were dead. The pool was empty and dirty. I could feel the death of six seven souls lingering all around me. I knelt beside the pool and considered all that had happened. Was it worth it? Were my shining moments worth the pain they caused? What did I have to show for it? Houses, a plane, a friend in jail, an assistant in the ground, a protégé dead, a driver gone forever… Lives ruined. My life wasn’t though, not really.

In my apartment, I remembered. I didn’t think of Tommy bleeding out in my bathroom or William knocking apprehensively at my door or police stupidly searching the place. I thought of Nicky. I wondered where he was now. I went to the balcony and thought of jumping. That’s what this chapter of my life was about: jumping off. This was my starting point.

I looked over the city. You could be mine, but I paced back out toward the courtyard and I stood on the second floor landing and overlooked my fallen dream. I remembered the clichés: fail seven times, stand eight. The best success comes after the greatest disappointment. Failure builds character. Success is a state of mind. A woman doesn’t fail until she blames someone else for her failure. The end justifies the means. No, the means justify the end. I didn’t know how to feel about it all anymore but I knew this could not be the end. An untimely end to my empire was something I would not accept.  

I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone. Sweep the streets I used to own. (Coldplay)

That afternoon I went to the place that meant the most to me here. Senior was doing whatever he does and I left the house without his notice. I didn’t know my driver’s name nor did I want to. I made a conscious effort to remain detached from him. He could never take the place of either of his predecessors: not Joseph or William.

He pulled up beside the WeHo apartment building and he thought it must have been the wrong address.

“You sure this is the right place, Miss?”

I nodded silently and sat there a moment. It was covered in warning signs and construction debris. I got out and walked slowly to the gate. I wrapped my fist around the padlock. I was barred out of the place that had been my beginning, my empire.  

Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption. (Dashboard Confessional, Vindicated)

“Your father was a lot like Ricky, but he was better. He could deal with people better. If your father had been the leader of the group Ricky might still be alive. If Ricky was alive Vinnie might be, that kid lived for Ricky. My boys would have lived different lives if Tommy hadn't met Penny. They completed one another. They were, and still are, soulmates in the purest form. There was something a little disappointing about it though. I was happy to see Tommy so happy and Penny is great but it was still disappointing. He couldn't focus the same because a piece of him was always with her and he had something to lose so he didn't play the same. But then there was you and it all made sense. He was compromised so you could be born. You were their vindication in my eyes and now that's why it kills me to see you making his mistakes. Think of what you've accomplished already. Imagine what you could do. I’d never known a powerful woman before you. When you're not around I can still feel you, like an extension of myself. You have so much promise, Honey. You could do anything, you could be anyone: choose carefully.”

Helluva speech, right? I guess that's why he didn't talk much. He was saving it all up for such an occasion. I didn't know what to make of it exactly. I had to think it all over awhile.

It is better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone. (Marilyn Monroe)

“The problem is that you are your father's daughter. You have the compromising tendency toward love that he had.”

“I was only ever in love once and he died.”

“You love drugs.”

“Well, yeah.”

“And you're a soulmate.”

“What?”

He sighed. “Some people are made for someone and someone is made for them. They're soulmates.”

“I know what a soulmate is. I didn't think you did.”

“I don't believe everyone has one. Some people were made to be alone. Some people have the capability to love themselves enough that they don't need another soul to keep them company as they wait to die. Some people are made to be alone and some people are made for someone else. I used to think you were made to be alone, like me. I always hoped you would be enough for yourself but I can see it now. You need someone. You were made for someone. That boy back there was made for someone too, I don't know if it was you or not but I know he was made for someone. You can tell when you meet a person. You can tell if they are a soulmate and just as easily you can tell if they are not. There's nothing wrong with either type but I just wanted you to be the clearheaded leader who bi-passed love.”

That took a couple moments to process.

If I'd observed all the rules, I'd never have got anywhere. (Marilyn Monroe)

The rules threw me off and they didn't seem important. I had never followed rules and I had reaped many rewards for the corners I'd cut.

“You're turning into your father,” Senior told me as if it was an insult. “You had so much promise, Honey, and I had so much hope for you. I saw the best of me in you.”

I didn't like where this was going.

“You had an empire at eighteen. Maybe you came up too fast. Maybe it was the drugs. My boys, all of them, that was what ruined them. Drugs mess you up.”

“Come on,” I laughed. “How can you say that? You've been selling drugs all your life.”

“And screwing up other people for my own personal gain. That's better than screwing up myself for someone else's gain. I dabbled in drugs but I always had control. My boys never did, they were all too emotional. But you, you had the potential to do all the things I wanted them to. When you were born, I remember this perfect Christmas baby. You were so small and you seemed so weak and I was compelled to protect you. I had never seen a newborn baby girl before. When I reached for you, your tiny arm batted my hand away. You were so tiny, so, so tiny but I could feel the strength. My initial need to protect you turned to a feeling of pride. I'll always want to protect you but, I don't know, I could sense a strength in you that had the potential to crush any obstacle. As you grew I was increasingly convinced of your power. You ran our house from the day you were born but we loved you. The greatest dictators are the ones who are loved.”

“How can you love a dictator?”

“The same way I loved you after you overthrew my reign on my own house.”

“Senior,” I said skeptically. “No one ever respected or feared me like they did you.”

He ignored me.

Screws just fall out all the time. The world is an imperfect place. (The Breakfast Club)

“You seemed different in there just now.”

“Senior, that's who I am now. I believe in all that stuff.”

“Then why are you still on meth? I am no expert but I am damn sure that isn't in the Bible.”

I didn't know he had even noticed that. I thought I was discreet. I had no response to that. I hadn't started my Christian experience at some euphoric revival. I was easing into it slowly. Maybe I would stop doing drugs at some point. Maybe I would just wean myself off as church filtered into the drug-shaped void in my life.

Besides, not doing drugs was just a rule. It was like a little caveat of Christianity. The big picture was much greater. If Christianity was a mural salvation would cover the canvas, painted in gold, red, purple, bright and beautiful. The rules would be the black border tracing along the edge of the mural. 

Every time you look at me that way, I melt. (Rascal Flatts)

I melted. I've never melted before. The closest I've come to melting has been of shear heat. It's never been about a boy. He knew my name and I was dumbfounded. I think I even stood there a while with my mouth ajar like a slack-jawed hillbilly. I don't like to admit it but I think I stood there as just watched him climb into his 1971 Jeep Renegade.

I shook it off and got in the backseat of the car with a flushed complexion.

“Do you want to get a bite before we go back to the house?”

“Sure.”

“Where would you like to go?”

“Topanga sounds lovely,” he teased. Not in an Uncle Tony sort of way but in a frightening serious Senior sort of way. I didn't know how to react.

“How about a restaurant by the beach?”

“Sure.”

I reported to the driver and we pulled out of the parking lot. I looked back.

“It's a nice church.”

He smiled ominously.

“I haven't been going all that long but I really like it.”

He nodded like he was keeping a secret.

“I know it's not really your thing...”

“Is it yours?”

Wow, that came out of nowhere.

“I think so,” I nodded. “It is now.”

“Why? It is because of your interest in Christianity or your interest in boys by the same name?”

“What?”

He shrugged.

I was offended.

“What are you saying?”

“It was just a question.”

“Of course it's because of the spiritual aspect. There are men everywhere, why would I have to go to church to meet them?” Though technically Christian was the reason I started attending. “In fact, that was the most I've ever talked to that boy.”

We sat in silence for a couple miles.