We accept the love we think we deserve. (Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower)

He left. I was standing alone like a fool in the middle of the tea garden. Maybe I would always be a drug dealer. Maybe I would always be a drug addict. Maybe I would be a lot of terrible things for the rest of my life but I liked to think of myself as a Christian. The title didn't really matter to me but the meaning behind it did. God meant a lot to me. In a world where not much made sense, God did. I admired Him, not only for His power, but for his compassion. He could move mountains but he cared about the most insignificant, even homeless and hooker (not just the ones depicted by Julia Roberts, he cared about the actual invisible people marginalized by society).

God was great. God is great. Everything changes but that stays constant. I love God. In that metaphysical Heavenly Father sort of way, church had become my father's house. Maybe it my father’s house wasn't Senior's house anymore. Maybe the home of my father, mother, and Uncle Tony, wasn’t my father’s house anymore. Maybe everything that was important to me was turned on its head.

Why couldn’t I be a heroin addict and a Christian? Why can’t a druggie respect their Creator? They can. At the height of my highs I still appreciated how Jesus came to die for my sins and all that. I mean really, who doesn’t sin? Who is righteous, that's what the Bible says: all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Sure, I fall shorter than most but what's the point? I know that you welcome God into your life and then you're supposed to be holy or at least try to be. I can still hear Christian's lecturing voice: How you treat your body is how you treat God's body. But honestly, I don't think drugs are all the bad for my body. I'm smart about it. I'm in control of my drug use. I would want God to experience the same highs that I do. He created Heaven and Earth; I think God has earned Himself a line or two.

Anyway, Christian was gone and words were expelled that couldn't be taken back.