Untie all the strings between you heart and mine. Unlove me. But do it real slow, so I don't have to lose you all at one time. (Julie Roberts)

“I can't do this,” I said. “I'm sorry.”

And I walked away. Maybe the only thing that mattered to him was me, maybe not. Either way he wasn't the only thing that mattered to me. I ran down to the beach and into the freezing water. I went out to my waist and let the cold cut into me. Each wave almost pulled me out with the undercurrent. I wondered if that would be so bad. I could think of worse ways to die. I loved the ocean and for it to peacefully take me away, well, that wouldn't be so bad.

God, what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to deal with this? God, help me. Help me. Help me.

I didn't even know what the problem was anymore but I was overwhelmed and overemotional and so lost, hurt, and pained. I wanted help. I wanted help in a big way and the only person who could help me now was God.

I turned, without making a conscious effort to do so, and waded back in to the shore. I sat on the beach, dripping wet and lightly sobbing. It was like I had just been on an outrageous high and my body was trembling in the aftershock.

I felt an arm around me and I whipped my head around to see Christian but he wasn't there.

“Are you okay?” Gloria asked.

I answered by collapsing into her. I lay my head in her lap and continuing my soft, slow sob. She stroked my hair and soothingly whispered, “Shh.”

It got dark and cold. I was shivering when we left the empty beach and walked up to the heroin house holding hands. Gloria was the best friend I had ever had. No one had ever been there for me like her and I decided to pick another “first selfless act”.